Breathe Out the Negative, In the Positive…

I’ve been staring at the wall all day of my cramped hospital room, pondering what has happened and trying to come to grips with the reality that I might be here awhile.

As many of you know, early complications in this pregnancy led doctors to put me on “pelvic rest” which meant no exercise, no heavy lifting, basically take it easy. Well, I took that advice to heart as much as I could. On the weekends my husband pretty much took over and let me put my feet up. During the week I did as little as possible with three children, but… I have three children and there are things that need to be done.

As all moms know, the end of the school year is a whirlwind of activities that just wears anyone out. I said no to as much as I thought I could but still…it’s been a busy past six weeks. My mental goal was that if I could just make it to the end of the school year then I would be okay. The girls and I could take it easy all all summer – stay at home or go sit by the pool. And focus on baby.

But I failed at that goal.

One week before school was out, I found myself in the hospital on Saturday night with massive bleeding and doctors and nurses frantically pumping me full of magnesium, steroids, antibiotics to try to prevent labor. As this point, they are pretty sure my water has broken. (Not 100%, but pretty certain.) So it looks like I am in the hospital for the short term and probably the long term, which I realize is better than having a very premature baby, but it is still very hard.

I feel like I have let my family down. My children down. My husband down. My baby down. My blog readers down.

On top that, I have ruined my family’s summer. We had to cancel the vacation we’ve been planning all year. And now, when grandparents can’t be here, our children will be with sitters instead of me. The summer is usually a “reset” button for us. A time when I focus on issues that need attention in their hearts. I also put more time on physical therapy for my middle daughter.We also enjoy the quiet pace of summer and the ability to hop in the car and go to the library or the blueberry patch or the park on whim. All that is out the window and, to make matters worse, they have been sobbing on facetime asking why this has happened and why can’t I come home.

I can’t help but think if I had not picked up the toys off the floor, or run into Trader Joe’s for a few things. If I had just rested more, this probably wouldn’t have happened. Even though doctors assure me it’s nothing I did, I still blame myself for letting everyone down.#Momguilt times a million. 

And I have been sitting in this dark, cramped hospital all day staring at the wall, angry at myself for basically ruining everything and putting this undue burden on my husband and grandparents (who have all been amazing over the past three days but still I feel an immense amount of guilt…). 

I know it’s vital that this baby stays inside of me as long as possible. And I know this negative thinking is not good for my body. So I wrote all these emotions out because I’ve been staring at the wall all afternoon processing it all. 

Now that they are out, allow me to turn my mind to the positive things that I can be grateful for: 

  • I am still pregnant.
  • I have made it through the first 48 hours which is a crucial milestone if my water really did break. 
  • The baby is doing just great. Normal heartbeat and movement. Praise God.
  • My parents came to help and are amazing. They have a sweet calming effect on my worried children.
  • My husband is like the Rock of Gibraltar. So calm and collected even after seeing his wife go through absolute torture and sleeping on a broken chair the past few nights. He is so strong and positive for our children and me.
  • My friends are waiting at a moment’s notice to help. We are so blessed with such dear friends.
  • So many people are praying for our baby and for me, for which we are so incredibly grateful.
  • My care at the hospital has been phenomenal. The sweetest nurses in the world.
  • Despite all my fears and guilt, I know we are in the Lord’s hands and can trust in Him with every aspect of our lives.

Our prayer is for protection of the baby and against infection and labor. For a healthy and as close to as full term pregnancy as possible. Thank you for you prayers!

I’ve got blog posts already planned so you will still be hearing from me. And, if I am in the bed for weeks and weeks, I will have plenty of time to write;). 

Thanks for all the love and support. As I close up the computer for tonight, I dwell on this verse: 

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

Update: for more pregnancy updates, click here.

 

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34 thoughts on “Breathe Out the Negative, In the Positive…

  1. Sweet Lee, I am SO happy to read your update as you have been in my prayers since seeing your post on Instastories. (That’s a sentence I’ve never written before ha!) How I would love to jump on I-45N and drive 4 hours to hug your neck and let you know
    it’s going to be ok. His plan is always the right plan no matter how we try and redesign it. Praying fervently for your entire family. Bless it all. ❤️
    Cristina Cramer

  2. Lee!!! Oh girl I will be praying for you constantly!!!!! Storming heavens gates for you and this precious baby!!!!!

  3. Lee, we are indeed praying for you and your precious baby and family!! When I was having a difficulty with my pregnancy after a busy time, my doctor wisely said, “there was NOTHING you did…it’s almost impossible to disrupt a healthy pregnancy. This is in God’s hands, and He is faithful”. Please let go of your guilt,and put your angst into His loving hands. We love you !! Thank you for keeping us updated. Praying without ceasing.

  4. I attended a little girl’s tea party yesterday inspired by one of your blog posts and heard you were in the hospital. Hang in there, Lee! Saying prayers for you and your sweet family. (I fully intend to recycle many of the ideas from the darling event. It was precious!)

  5. Praying for you and your sweet babe and family. I went through a similar experience last May and was on hospital bed rest for four weeks before my son was born. Had major mom guilt and teacher guilt for missing the last two weeks of school and time with my oldest before baby came. It is SO hard to let go and just be. I will be praying for your peace and comfort during your stay.

  6. Lee!!! I had no idea you were pregnant!! How many weeks are you?! What hospital are you in? It is absolutely not your fault at all!!!! Take that mom guilt and shove it somewhere!!! Praying for you and that baby and your precious family!!

  7. Love your blog Lee and have followed you for a lomg time! Praying for you, your sweet baby and your family! Peace and comfort–and rest! XO, Nicole

  8. From a fan – praying for safety and health of course but also peace and comfort for you. I would have felt all those thing as well. But, God will be revealing things to you during this time that will be so sacred and special. You will get to do all the wonderful activities with your family again soon. I’m looking forward to how he will teach and bless your followers through your story. Take heart and have courage 💗

  9. Lee, you have NOT ruined your family’s summer! I know I would feel the same way that you are if I was going through what you are (my kids are 21 & 23 now), but they will all be FINE and they will still have a fun summer. It may be different than their other summers, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. They will be surrounded by people that love and care about them; and we know from your posts that they love spending time with their grandparents! And sitters are really fun, too:) This is just ONE summer out of their entire lives. They will be totally fine. It also sounds like you have tons of friends that can take your girls with their kids to birthday parties, or the park, library, etc. I know it will be sad and disappointing that you aren’t able to be there, but the girls will have fun! And they can still see you (even if it’s FaceTime), and talk to you, and tell you about their fun adventures. They still have their mommy; it will just be a little bit different this summer. I know it’s so hard, but try to turn your worries and guilt feelings over to God. He doesn’t like us to worry; He wants to do it for us. I’ve heard that journaling, like you are doing, is a very helpful way to get your fears and frustrations out. You have a LOT of people praying for you and your family, and your lovely, sweet baby. Take care of yourself, and turn that guilt off!!

    1. Thank you for your encouraging and uplifting words. You are right – they are going to be just fine. It’s really me learning to give up control. It’s hard! Thank you so much!

  10. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Lee. Lifting you, your precious baby and family up in prayer. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are a wonderful mom and such an example for others!

  11. Love your blog and have followed for a long time. Thank you for your honesty and openness. I’m praying for you and your family!
    My mom was on bedrest in the hospital for most of the time when she was pregnant with my sister. Now as an adult, I don’t remember missing her, though I’m sure I did. Instead, I remember happy times playing candy land on her bed, and most importantly, all the extra time I had with babysitters, friends, and grandparents! Hopefully your girls will too! Thankful for FaceTime and the internet for you now. This was the late 80s and my mom entertained herself by puff painting sweatshirts. Eek!

  12. Your positive attitude is inspiring and I imagine will make a positive difference for everyone. Sending prayers.

  13. Prayers for you all. For mother to have mental strength as well as physical because bed rest is hard physically as well as mentally, for baby that he or she keeps growing and stays out as loon as possible, for girls to weather this storm, for dad to have patience and prayer as this is hard for most who want to be proactive and fix something and for your doctors and nurses, who are angels here on earth. Bed rest is hard, so hard but you have the right attitude to pour out the negative and focus on the positive!

  14. Sweet Lee – We are praying for you! There are people lined up around the block ready to help. Don’t be afraid to ask – even from those you see in passing in the hall at church. You’ll give them the blessing of serving you! Can’t wait to coo at your sweet little arrival!

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