I’ve been staring at the wall all day of my cramped hospital room, pondering what has happened and trying to come to grips with the reality that I might be here awhile.
As many of you know, early complications in this pregnancy led doctors to put me on “pelvic rest” which meant no exercise, no heavy lifting, basically take it easy. Well, I took that advice to heart as much as I could. On the weekends my husband pretty much took over and let me put my feet up. During the week I did as little as possible with three children, but… I have three children and there are things that need to be done.
As all moms know, the end of the school year is a whirlwind of activities that just wears anyone out. I said no to as much as I thought I could but still…it’s been a busy past six weeks. My mental goal was that if I could just make it to the end of the school year then I would be okay. The girls and I could take it easy all all summer – stay at home or go sit by the pool. And focus on baby.
But I failed at that goal.
One week before school was out, I found myself in the hospital on Saturday night with massive bleeding and doctors and nurses frantically pumping me full of magnesium, steroids, antibiotics to try to prevent labor. As this point, they are pretty sure my water has broken. (Not 100%, but pretty certain.) So it looks like I am in the hospital for the short term and probably the long term, which I realize is better than having a very premature baby, but it is still very hard.
I feel like I have let my family down. My children down. My husband down. My baby down. My blog readers down.
On top that, I have ruined my family’s summer. We had to cancel the vacation we’ve been planning all year. And now, when grandparents can’t be here, our children will be with sitters instead of me. The summer is usually a “reset” button for us. A time when I focus on issues that need attention in their hearts. I also put more time on physical therapy for my middle daughter.We also enjoy the quiet pace of summer and the ability to hop in the car and go to the library or the blueberry patch or the park on whim. All that is out the window and, to make matters worse, they have been sobbing on facetime asking why this has happened and why can’t I come home.
I can’t help but think if I had not picked up the toys off the floor, or run into Trader Joe’s for a few things. If I had just rested more, this probably wouldn’t have happened. Even though doctors assure me it’s nothing I did, I still blame myself for letting everyone down.#Momguilt times a million.
And I have been sitting in this dark, cramped hospital all day staring at the wall, angry at myself for basically ruining everything and putting this undue burden on my husband and grandparents (who have all been amazing over the past three days but still I feel an immense amount of guilt…).
I know it’s vital that this baby stays inside of me as long as possible. And I know this negative thinking is not good for my body. So I wrote all these emotions out because I’ve been staring at the wall all afternoon processing it all.
Now that they are out, allow me to turn my mind to the positive things that I can be grateful for:
- I am still pregnant.
- I have made it through the first 48 hours which is a crucial milestone if my water really did break.
- The baby is doing just great. Normal heartbeat and movement. Praise God.
- My parents came to help and are amazing. They have a sweet calming effect on my worried children.
- My husband is like the Rock of Gibraltar. So calm and collected even after seeing his wife go through absolute torture and sleeping on a broken chair the past few nights. He is so strong and positive for our children and me.
- My friends are waiting at a moment’s notice to help. We are so blessed with such dear friends.
- So many people are praying for our baby and for me, for which we are so incredibly grateful.
- My care at the hospital has been phenomenal. The sweetest nurses in the world.
- Despite all my fears and guilt, I know we are in the Lord’s hands and can trust in Him with every aspect of our lives.
Our prayer is for protection of the baby and against infection and labor. For a healthy and as close to as full term pregnancy as possible. Thank you for you prayers!
I’ve got blog posts already planned so you will still be hearing from me. And, if I am in the bed for weeks and weeks, I will have plenty of time to write;).
Thanks for all the love and support. As I close up the computer for tonight, I dwell on this verse:
“In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8